happy pill: A Poem

 it’s like suddenly
 I took this magic pill
 and I was given the gift of reason
 and all my fears seemed to disappear
 my anxieties subsided
 or at least they were dulled out
 beneath the surface
 the layer of fog
 on top of all my other emotions
 became lifted
 suddenly I could feel
 everything I was supposed to feel
 everything that was numbed out 
 and only came alive 
 in the worst way
 when I was in pain
 when I was alone
 but now
 the apathy has come crawling back
 with a vengeance
 and I don’t even know 
 if I would call it a sadness
 because I have nothing to blame it on
 and the only people who understand
 who feel the same way
 and go through the same thing
 don’t know what to do either
 they tell me what I already know
 so that I know I’m not alone
 but there’s no answer
 there’s no solution anyone can give me
 and I’ve run out of ways to express myself
 when he asks me
 what is wrong?
 because the answer is
 honestly
 nothing
 I just don’t feel right
 I don’t feel like myself
 and sometimes
 I don’t even know
 who that’s supposed to be