you're the girl covered in words I mean scars I mean hearts What are you so afraid of? What are you so angry for? So mad about? don't pout be brave don't shave unless you want to slip into old habits slit a bit of time off and steal away a few pieces of your mind
fanned pages blister wrinkle water burned born from my soul blister black fickle purple pain fire throat fire throat
How can you ask for help from behind a door you locked?
pop
pop
pop
watch my teeth
drop
down
brown from my skull
pop
pop
there goes my vein
arteries
arteries
lead to the brain
sick
flick
flick my wrist pink
pink is better than red
red is better than dead
busy
body
journal
bleeding
I
think
I'll
fly
away
you weren’t born broken like the rest of us you weren’t even made broken you’re just you bitten off whole from your mother’s broken womb we are all made who we are by our mothers either because of them or in spite of them but you came out whole and you picked up her pieces even though it wasn’t your job and no one expected it now I’m yours and you fill in all the missing pieces but I don’t want you to fix me you’ve already done that enough now it’s your turn to be the taker I need to fix myself so I can give my all to you
rereading what I write is like reading the words of a stranger I don’t know her I am her I am who am the god of my brain with no self-control what so ever and it makes the acids in my stomach sour the back of my mouth closes it’s hard to swallow labored breathing labor pains as I realize who I am my chest swells too tight I am drowning in blankets I can’t swallow breathe in not enough comes out acid burns turning like tiny tidal waves rolling over dead how could I have ever felt this way? I don’t understand people who feel the need to find themselves who am I? I’ve always known never looked I don’t know how did I ever feel the way I felt yesterday? how did I ever feel the way I felt tomorrow? could I ever have been so sad really when I feel so happy now? but that happiness is really relief I better believe it now
don’t be so complicated people don’t always like what they can’t understand
growing up my mother used to tell me during her more lucid moments of motherhood that people who lie often lie enough that they believe themselves and I used to think that wasn’t true like how could that be possible when surely we all live in the same reality? but the older I get the more I realize she was right and maybe in that strange way she knew herself the way we all eventually understand ourselves
none of us really grow up for most of us our spirits break we are the ones who grow bitter for some of us our spirits stay intact we are the young at heart and even less of us were born broken we are the old souls but we are all the same for to dirt we will return at the end of time
there’s the core and then there’s everything else a lot of pointless details and fluff that lead to nowhere and everywhere I am lost you bring me out of myself each and every moment that I’m with you and even when I’m not I’m starting to understand you’re truly my better half but it feels like I’ve always known that on some level deep down buried beneath the unimportant fluff you’re always enough even when I’m drowning and my voice is cut off you see me and even when you don’t understand what you see not because you don’t want to but because you cannot you still love me you say you fall in love with me more each and every day and I believe you because I know the feeling but sometimes I feel sad thinking there was ever a day I could have loved you less because no one can love what one does not know but then I remember you’re my better half and somehow in a way that words cannot explain you were always there you’ve always made up the parts of me I love and now that we are one you are every part of me
Fudge It! 