make it stop
 make it stop
 make it stop
  
 the pills worked just long enough
 to give me hope
 to make me forget what it felt like
 to feel the way I’ve always felt
 and now I feel it like it’s the first time
 so fresh
 so rotten
 because it’s back after being years
 and moldy years of all I’ve known
 but I know better now
 and I want it to stop

 sometimes I rewrite things to feel better
 make lists
 order them
 rearrange them
 cross things off to document my small success
 the laundry is finally done
 hooray
  
 it’s like
 I need to see it to believe it
 to stop thinking about it 
 but half the time it doesn’t even work 
  
 blessed are those who believe without seeing
 for they actually believe there’s a kingdom 
 and that must be nice 

 if you’re a look into my future
 then I don’t know what to think
 it doesn’t necessarily get better
 because nothing goes away
 but you seem to cope better
 or present better
 I don’t know
 what could I know?
 I’m not you
 it doesn’t matter how alike we are
 I might not even make it to your age
  
 a higher dosage
 you say?
 well maybe
 why not?
 can’t say I’ve tried everything
 until I’ve done it all
  
 I’m so tired of trying
 it’s exhausting
 all the thoughts running in my head
 on a loop
 never ending
 never running out
 like poisoned fish and loaves
  
 I’m always hungry
 and overfed
 and tired
 so tired
 haven’t I already made that point?
  
 stop me
 stop life
 I’m afraid to die
 afraid if there’s nothing
 more afraid if there’s only pain
 never ending
 on a loop
 but how would that be different?
  
 exactly
 we all make our own hell on earth 

 it happens in phases
 first they’ll pretend to be your friend
 and they’ll compliment you
 and flatter you
 so that you let your guard down
 until they peel back enough layers
 that they find the pink in your flesh 
 then they bite
 and they rip
 and they smile
 as they pick your skin out of their teeth
 and they ask you
 what’s wrong?
 and you give them a cup of your blood to drink 
 then your skeleton stiffens 
 and you claw free
 there’s some back and forth
 an apology with far too many “you” words
 and things seem temporarily normal 
 before the chaos leaks back in 
 insanity repeats itself
 but now new phases are slowly introduced
 the compliments return
 but strictly in front of those jealous of you
 insincere or not
 (though they are)
 it makes no difference
 they’ll ensure you have no real allies
 while they praise your work ethic 
 and tell you how nice your hair looks
 when you can’t remember the last time you washed it
 they’ll seek out whoever remains in your corner
 and try to turn you against them
 since their other tactics didn’t work on everyone
 they’ll work to obliterate every lifeline
 and they’ll wait until you have no one left
 to stop the phase of insincere compliments
 they’ll tear you down 
 both behind your back and in front of everyone
 they’ll diminish every accomplishment of yours
 and your one defense
 is being better than them in everything you
 think, say, and do
 and let your work speak for itself
 because it won’t even be a comparison 
 after they’ve spent all their energy on you
 instead of channeling their energy
 towards improving themselves  

 it’s laughable
 you think you have this power over me
 my mind is a cage with impenetrable walls:
 nothing breaks in
 nothing breaks out
  
 you have no control over my thoughts
 and neither do I  

 be my journal
 I’ll write all my thoughts in you
 remind me what I’m worth
 be my internal rhythm 
 tick tock  

  disjointed members
 of an already broken body
 now there are two
 does that make a communion?
 or are we two broken pieces
 that fit nowhere? 

 cut
 me open
 and
 pour me out