it’s easier
 to hate others
 when you see yourself in them 

 it’ weird 
 trying to explain
 how I can feel happy and depressed 
 all at once
 it’s like
 my feelings never learned to take turns
 I don’t feel one thing and then another
 there’s forever this cloud 
 of depression and anxiety 
 on top of everything
 covering how I’m meant to feel
 how I want to feel
 and that’s difficult to explain
  
 when you look me in the eyes and ask
 do I make you happy?
 the answer is yes
 always
 I’m just depressed  

 remember that time we drove down the hill
 you behind the wheel 
 and me in your passenger’s seat?
  
 take the wheel
 steer
 and you closed your eyes
 while my sweaty palms took over
 both our lives in my hands
  
 in that moment
 I couldn’t have cared less if I lived or died
 neither could you
 probably 
 but I cared for you
 and I was strangely happy making sure you lived 
  
 we don’t talk anymore
 and I suppose that’s my fault
 I pop pills now
 just like you
 but that’s no excuse
  
 I hope you never call
 some puzzles are just too hard to solve
 there are too many pieces scattered and lost  

 we weren’t all dealt a full hand
 and that’s okay
 at least I recognize it
 not everyone can  

worry
 is worse
 for the soul
 than sin 

 do you ever go to a party
 and look around
 and wonder
 how is everyone so normal?
  
 I wish it would rain more often
 so everyone would just stay inside
 then I could lie in bed knowing
 a lot of happy people are doing the same
  
 that’s the situation 
 where I’d be most like happy people 

 when I think too hard
 I get dizzy
 then realize
 my breath couldn’t keep up
 with my thoughts  

you’re my shadow
 only warmer
 and kinder
 and more full of life  

how exotic
 where are you from?
 asked no one
 of the middle-aged white woman
  
 do you get it now?
 good