if you’re a woman who says it’s easier
to have daughters than sons
let me ask you something
is it easier to teach a woman how not to be raped
than to teach a man
how to not rape?
I suppose the most difficult medicine to swallow
is one’s own pride
and it doesn’t help
if the rest of the world won’t help you
and either way
the loss of innocence is difficult to grieve
but one of those situations
only acknowledges one’s loss of innocence
some mothers care more about their own healing
than the healing of their daughters
but in the end it feels like there’s nothing to fix
if you can’t see what’s broken
if you’re a woman who says it’s easier
to have daughters than sons
I hate you
but probably not as much as you hate yourself
when I leave the question mark off of my question
it’s more of a statement
like
I’m telling you to answer my question
because I really need to know the answer
is that aggressive?
I guess I don’t care
make it stop
make it stop
make it stop
the pills worked just long enough
to give me hope
to make me forget what it felt like
to feel the way I’ve always felt
and now I feel it like it’s the first time
so fresh
so rotten
because it’s back after being years
and moldy years of all I’ve known
but I know better now
and I want it to stop
sometimes I rewrite things to feel better
make lists
order them
rearrange them
cross things off to document my small success
the laundry is finally done
hooray
it’s like
I need to see it to believe it
to stop thinking about it
but half the time it doesn’t even work
blessed are those who believe without seeing
for they actually believe there’s a kingdom
and that must be nice
if you’re a look into my future
then I don’t know what to think
it doesn’t necessarily get better
because nothing goes away
but you seem to cope better
or present better
I don’t know
what could I know?
I’m not you
it doesn’t matter how alike we are
I might not even make it to your age
a higher dosage
you say?
well maybe
why not?
can’t say I’ve tried everything
until I’ve done it all
I’m so tired of trying
it’s exhausting
all the thoughts running in my head
on a loop
never ending
never running out
like poisoned fish and loaves
I’m always hungry
and overfed
and tired
so tired
haven’t I already made that point?
stop me
stop life
I’m afraid to die
afraid if there’s nothing
more afraid if there’s only pain
never ending
on a loop
but how would that be different?
exactly
we all make our own hell on earth
it happens in phases
first they’ll pretend to be your friend
and they’ll compliment you
and flatter you
so that you let your guard down
until they peel back enough layers
that they find the pink in your flesh
then they bite
and they rip
and they smile
as they pick your skin out of their teeth
and they ask you
what’s wrong?
and you give them a cup of your blood to drink
then your skeleton stiffens
and you claw free
there’s some back and forth
an apology with far too many “you” words
and things seem temporarily normal
before the chaos leaks back in
insanity repeats itself
but now new phases are slowly introduced
the compliments return
but strictly in front of those jealous of you
insincere or not
(though they are)
it makes no difference
they’ll ensure you have no real allies
while they praise your work ethic
and tell you how nice your hair looks
when you can’t remember the last time you washed it
they’ll seek out whoever remains in your corner
and try to turn you against them
since their other tactics didn’t work on everyone
they’ll work to obliterate every lifeline
and they’ll wait until you have no one left
to stop the phase of insincere compliments
they’ll tear you down
both behind your back and in front of everyone
they’ll diminish every accomplishment of yours
and your one defense
is being better than them in everything you
think, say, and do
and let your work speak for itself
because it won’t even be a comparison
after they’ve spent all their energy on you
instead of channeling their energy
towards improving themselves
it’s laughable
you think you have this power over me
my mind is a cage with impenetrable walls:
nothing breaks in
nothing breaks out
you have no control over my thoughts
and neither do I
Fudge It! 