sometimes I feel dizzy and I wonder
 is this what drugs feel like?
 and I close my eyes and enjoy it for a second
 while the world keeps on moving without me
 but I know
 that really
 it’s just my internal valve 
 wound too tight
 building up the pressure 
 in my soon-to-burst purple veins  

 pop a pill in my mouth
 and watch a universe 
 explode
 into existence 
 the tiny capsule
 a spark before the bang
 only for the light to die
 once all the serotonin 
 drains from my body 

 I let the bananas go black the other day
 it wasn’t on purpose 
 I don’t like watching things die
 I just couldn’t help them
 I wasn’t hungry
 I couldn’t help them achieve their purpose 
 why am I here? 

 I don’t feel good
 but I don’t mean like that
 I feel bad
 I feel sad
 I am wrong in the head
 I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel
 but I know I shouldn’t feel like this
  
 are you okay?
 you might ask me
 and I might say I am
 or I might tell you the truth
 and tell you that I’m good enough
 because that’s the best I can hope for
 right now 
  
 it’s like I tasted heaven
 but I wasn’t really there
 I simply passed by the gate
 because I lost the key 
 that was chained to my neck
 and now it’s in Peter’s hand
 and he refuses to let go 

 you said it makes you anxious
 the idea of living a normal life
 where you settle down and have two kids
 but is it possible
 that a not-normal life 
 doesn’t scare you
 a not-normal life 
 is just full of enough noise
 to drown out all the thoughts
 and distract from all the fears
 so that there’s no time left 
 to think or to feel 

 I lost my heart
 but then you found it
 tangled in the weeds
 I once called civility
 but I now know by a different name
  
 I lost my mind
 it’s funny how 
 the ones who make you crazy
 convince you 
 the rest of the world is insane
  
 it’s funny
 except no one is laughing but me
 because it feels so strange 
 to think with such clarity
 and such calm
  
 you are my life-giving ocean
 washing over me
 keeping me safe and warm and smooth
 like a piece of broken glass
 made into something beautiful 
 after being worn down by the waves
  
 you’ve made me a heathen
 in the most civil and wild way there is to be
 because I’ve become me
 and I am free